You have a formidable task ahead of you. How can you make it so that all of your prospective customers really, really hate your website and in turn, despise your company?
Why would you want to do that?
Isn’t there a competition going on? When you look on the internet, it sure seems like it.
It’s time to one-up these amateurs, use all of the methods below and create the most frustrating website possible. Ok, here we go.*
Tactic #1: Make Your Website Go Really Slow
And when I say slow, I mean slow. If you really want your prospect to be irritated make sure you focus on the worst hosting money can buy. You know what I’m talking about- that general catchall hosting for $2.99/month.
Your customers don’t realize how expensive hosting goes for these days, and can’t appreciate your money-saving attitude.
Along with cheap hosting, make sure to install a really heavy-duty WordPress theme and fire up at least 30 plugins.
Your website code won’t know what to do with all that infighting and namespace calling. This will slow down your website for sure.
Tactic #2: Make Sure Your Forms Crash Regularly
Ok, this one is great. Think of all of the unnecessarily complex forms you have on your website (you do have them right?).
Here’s what you need to do… make sure that after your visitor burns 10 minutes filling out your form that you give him a server error and then trash all of his data. He’ll be so frustrated that he’ll probably scream at his monitor and leave your website right away.
This, my friend, is success. You’ve killed any opportunity for business in a matter of minutes.
Tactic #3: Don’t Talk about How You Help People – Focus on Numero Uno
Look, you’re amazing. And your company is almost as amazing.
People don’t care about solutions. They care about you! So talk it up!
Use an entire section on your homepage promo rotator (you know that one that goes too fast to read anyways) to talk about your awards.
Cram all of them into one image and you’ll get people irritated. But goodness, that’s their problem!
After you talk about yourself a little here and a little there, make sure to focus on how dumb your competitors are.
People can’t stand arrogance, so talking negatively about your foes will be a sure turnoff.
Tactic #4: Make Baseless Claims
This tactic is super easy. Remember how in the movie Elf, Buddy congratulates a local shop for having the “World’s Best Cup of Coffee”?
It didn’t matter that it wasn’t true, all that mattered was that they made the claim.
Are you a mediocre plumber with a bad reputation in Denver? Tell folks that you’re the best all-around plumber in the entire state of Colorado. That’ll get them seething. Especially if they’re a past client and know it’s not true.
Are you an underperforming used car dealership in a small town in South Carolina? Get folks in your little village in an uproar by claiming that you sell more cars than any other dealership on the east coast.
Baseless, unbelievable claims that are easy to refute will create more enemies then you know what to do with. Mission accomplished.
Tactic #5: Bury Your Most Important Information
Do your customers find it most convenient to contact you by calling your phone number?
Well, might I recommend, unless you want them to actually call you, that you bury that sucker 4 or 5 pages deep?
People hate having to search for crucial business information so this tactic will pay dividends.
If you have paying monthly customers another great thing to hide is the “cancel my account” feature.
If you couple this with buried phone numbers you’ll get the dual benefit of irate customers and recurring income. A true win-win situation.
Tactic #6: Write All of Your Content for Search Engines
The best online content development from the top 10 best content writers is always best coming from the top freelance copywriters.
Do you know what I mean?
No? Yes, that’s all complete garbage. But I wrote it just for Google… a courting gift you might say.
Your goal here is to get the most traffic to your website as possible. But what if it’s the wrong traffic you say? Who cares?!
Google will eat this up, and your visitors will wonder what the heck you’re talking about. But that’s what we’re after, right? Confusing them like there’s no tomorrow.
Well, there you have it. Six super tactics for making your website visitors run from your website faster than a fighter jet.
Implement one of these suggestions and you’ll have some measure of success… implement all of them and you’ll be on the fast track to damaging your brand so quickly you’ll be looking for a new job by Monday.
*Disclaimer: Please don’t do these things.
Interested in learning how to do the opposite of what I’ve described in this article?
Here are a few resources I would recommend:
Huemor, How To Build A Better Website
Joe Ardeeser is the owner and operator at Jordan Crown web – a web design agency in the Seattle area that focuses on Professional Web Design Services and Custom WordPress Development. Joe founded his company 10 years ago and they provide premium marketing websites to medium to large-sized businesses.
As a seasoned professional in the creative industry, Joe comes with over 15 years of hard-earned experience. His greatest enjoyment comes from business building and business development- whether that’s improving the company’s sales process or figuring out how to bring on the highest level of talent. He lives in Moscow, Idaho with his wonderful wife Kaitlin and their three young boys Owen, Evan & Jack.